You’re not football if you don’t…

1. Unfavourably compare the singing of the National Anthem by the England national football team to their rugby counterparts, because they might be posh, but at least they’re patriotic, right.

2. Dress up every gripe you have with the game as being anti-modern football, the more unrelated the problem to the (numerable) flaws of the sport in the 21st century the better. The lager at half time is shit and the pies are dear. #AMF

3. Applaud for a minute in the game that corresponds with the number of player, past or present, as a nice touch, to mark some form of career milestone.

4. Do what you want, sing on your own, know what you are.

5. Mock away fans from your armchair for travelling miles at great cost for a fixture you’d never consider going to. Newcastle’s support is shite, they only took 70 to Moscow.

6. Incessantly bang on about the abstract concept of class, and the relative class of your side and its supporters compared to your rivals.

7. Belittle your rivals with vicious, stinging nicknames. Chav$ki fans are showing their class, they’re nearly as bad as Wet Spam.

8. Talk loudly and ceaselessly about getting on it, with the lads, on the train, on an awayday, whilst getting on it, with the lads, on the train, on an awayday (have a few cans of Strongbow).

9. Instagram a photo of your ticket for said away day, next to said can of Strongbow. #Awaydays #Readingaway

10. When in doubt blame everything on Chelsea and Manchester City.

By Callum West

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